Robin Williams and Me

I loved Robin Williams. When I saw him in person, I laughed so much my mouth hurt from smiling. He's one of the many comedians who have helped me get through my bouts of depression. I remember being grateful for him whenever he was a guest on a late night talk show.

But the last time I saw him on TV, he didn't seem quite as funny. He was showing his serious side, like he often got to do in movies. Many people forget that he won an Oscar for his role as a psychologist in a drama, "Good Will Hunting." He probably drew from his own sessions on the other side of the couch.

Yet the world wanted him to be funny, and he complied. It is how most of the world will remember him long after the shock of his suicide dissipates. But because he had openly discussed some of his problems, I will remember him as a courageous person, one who lived his life to the fullest despite his struggles.

Those of us who live with the highs of mania and the horrible lows of depression that follow know too well how difficult it is to believe that "this too shall pass." I remember my last clinical depression - I told my family that I felt like a patient in an ICU with machines and tubes keeping me alive. I was barely hanging on and I wanted them to pull the plug. I wanted them to give me permission to go, to go off the meds, to stop trying so hard, to stop living - at least to stop living for them.

I wanted to live for myself. When I realized that, things began to change. I decided to do something different, which my doctor had recommended several times - outpatient training which helped me change my thinking. Also, since the counselors and doctor saw me five days a week rather than just once every three months, they were able to adjust my meds and help me adjust my moods.

It hasn't been easy. I've since gone through a couple of problems with my meds and tend towards anxiety rather than depression (which in my mind, is much worse). My brain is aging. Like Robin Williams, I am in my sixties and physical problems have kept me from exercising as much as I used to, from doing the things I enjoy on a regular basis.

At the same time, I have learned to "pick my battles," to not get entangled in things that will not serve me well. I have also learned to enjoy life on a different level. I'm a grandparent and, best of all, my children let me babysit their children - something they would not do had I not gotten help. I am blessed.

Robin Williams was also blessed. He loved his children. He loved his life, until his life became one of unbearable existence. Saturday night, I watched his first movie, "The World According to Garp." It is long, but worth it to get to the end where ... well, I won't give it away because I had forgotten the ending. Let me just say that his character is a serious one, which is interesting since back then we knew him as Mork in "Mork and Mindy."

Yes, we knew him as a very funny man, possibly the funniest man in the world. But he was a very serious man, too, and he showed that side many times. May he have found the balance he was looking for, the peace and contentment we all strive for, especially those of us who are bipolar. Thank you, Robin Williams.

Feelings Are Not Facts

For no reason in particular, I went from feeling good a few days ago to feeling down. I was able to curb my low mood yesterday morning by simply working through tasks on my desk and in my email knowing that I had an outing planned in the afternoon - something to anticipate. I made the outing even better by taking advantage of the unseasonably warm weather to walk my adorable dog, who always makes people smile and talk to me. This helped me get out of myself. Yet by bedtime, I was agitated and unable to fall asleep as easily as I normally do.

Consequently, this morning I woke up tired and with anxiety rather than just low. I used my favorite self-soothing tool (making fists and then letting go several times) to no avail. I tried taking some deep slow breaths, but that didn't help either. Then I remembered that "feelings are not facts" - that even though I was feeling uncomfortable, to say the least, it didn't mean that my world was collapsing. I wasn't going crazy, I didn't have to down a bunch of anti-anxiety pills (or even one), and I need not end up in the hospital again. I just needed to feel my feelings and get on with my day - eat breakfast, check my email, take a bath, brush my teeth, keep a couple of appointments, do some errands, etc.

After all of that, I still don't feel very good, but I feel a bit better. The point is that I don't feel any worse. If I let myself get caught up in thinking how bad I feel and that oh my gosh, I will never feel good again, I will inevitably feel worse. I will feed the anxiety or depression or anger or whatever is going on. Those of us with mood disorders do experience moods more exaggerated than the "normals" out there. The secret is to let feelings be just that, feelings. Let them pass through our mind or in the case of my anxiety, pass through the body.

As I've written this, I've felt a bit worse because I'm thinking about it. So what I need to do for myself is wrap up this bit and get busy with another writing project, one that helps me escape in a good way and have something to show for it. I need to remember that even "normals" have up and down moods. It is part of this condition called being human. I can only do my best to take care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually and then let my feelings be what they are - feelings. Not good, not bad, and especially not facts.

WATCH THE SUGAR INTAKE!!

I've been extra hungry this holiday season so decided I could eat more sugar than usual. After all, it's winter and my body is telling me to put on an extra layer of fat, which I can lose easily next year. Really?! I haven't yet lost the extra five pounds from last winter. Plus, the more sugar I eat, the more sugar I want to eat. And then the worse I sleep, the worse I feel, and the more sugar I eat, especially in chocolate, to feel better. Really?! Who am I kidding besides myself?! So I'm starting tonight on protein and vegetables along with only natural sugar found in fruit. I knew I was done when I ordered a large caramel mocha with whipped cream and couldn't finish it. It was just too sweet and I was getting a headache, which would result in me crashing, which is okay for normal people but not someone who suffers from depression, especially in the winter. In fact, last December was when I had my last, serious, clinical depression that landed me in a hospital outpatient program. Do I really want to go there again?! NO!! So I'm glad I caught myself before I got worse. I know I can have a happier holiday if I stop the sugar intake now. It can't wait until the new year. Maybe you can tell that I'm a bit manic by my writing and you'd be right... that's why I'm sharing with you to lay off the sugar before you get too high because what goes up must come down. And the less high I get, the gentler the coming down will be. May you be able to be jolly without the sugar intake folly!!  

Sleep Hygiene

A basic tool to help keep me balanced is "sleep hygiene" which is simply going to bed the same time every night and getting up the same time every morning. When I found myself lying awake at night several nights this week, I realized that I hadn't been setting my alarm.

We had just been on a two-week vacation and so I was sleeping-in to catch up on my sleep. Trouble is I was sleeping too late so couldn't get to sleep at night. If I had let this get out of control, I'd be up watching TV until midnight or later and then unable to function well during the day.

Fortunately, I remembered this simple tool and got myself back on track. Now I'm waking up before my alarm and enjoying an extra 15 minutes in the morning. The bonus is the ability to fall asleep at night without having to use pills or worse, alcohol, thinking that will help me relax.

Fall is the perfect time of year to start practicing "sleep hygiene" since the nights are cooler and many of us are back from vacation and on a regular work schedule. The key is to set the alarm even if you've had a late night out. You may have one day of low energy, but you'll be able to get on schedule within one day.

Rest easy!

Self-Soothing

First of all, sorry to have not been blogging for a while. It's been a busy summer and life has been pretty good which means I have been fairly balanced. Secondly, the only time I had to reach into my mood disorder tool bag was for a short time in July when for some reason I was irritable. I couldn't figure it out, which means I couldn't "think" myself back to health. Instead, I had to self-soothe myself.

The best means to a serene end for me is to hold my hands in front of me and form fists. I hold the fists for a good 5 seconds, then let go, relaxing my hands and arms. I do this over and over again until my body has "forgotten" why it was agitated in the first place. It's like training my body to relax and my mind follows.

There are a lot of ways to self-soothe. Some people use a tactile method which is to feel whatever is at hand, such as the steering wheel, the fabric of an overstuffed chair or one's clothing, grass, flower petals, one's hair, your child's or grandchild's hair... in the feeling is the forgetting the anxiety. One can't be anxious if concentrating on using the sense of touch.

If neither of these methods works for you, Google self-soothe to understand it better and to find more methods until one works for you. Again, if you're suicidal, call your doctor or go to the nearest ER. 

Opposite Action

Opposite Action is a great tool to combat depression. A couple of days ago, I didn't feel like doing anything. Well, actually, I felt like feeling sorry for myself and was doing a good job at that.

Then I remembered that my goal was to prevent depression because this is easier than overcoming depression.

So I went to my list of tasks I wanted to get done. There was a fairly easy one I decided to tackle, although I had to overcome my tendency towards perfectionism before I even started.

There were only a few glitches, but in less than an hour, my task was complete. And guess what? I felt a lot better.

What Opposite Action did for me that day was to trick my brain into thinking I wasn't down or depressed and could get one thing done.

It was the turning point for me because today, two days later, I woke up feeling much better. Then I realized my mood had begun to shift when I applied the tool of Opposite Action.

When You're Not Physically Well

It's hard enough to stay balanced mentally and emotionally when you're bipolar, even with medication. For me, this takes good eating habits, sleep hygiene, and regular exercise, along with getting out of the house to do fun things with friends and family.

But when I get physically ill or injured, and I can't exercise or my sleep is disturbed, I have to work extra hard at "doing what I can". For example, I fell and injured both legs a few weeks ago so I have to stay off my feet as much as possible. Not only can I not go to the gym to walk the treadmill, I can't drive yet. So I have to ask for rides to the doctor and for anyplace else I want to go.

But I can lift hand weights to exercise my upper body. And I can eat smaller portions and keep it healthy in order not to gain weight, which has been a problem for me since I started taking meds the same time I went through menopause. I also used sleeping pills the first week after my accident in order to get my rest.

Other helpful behaviors include texting, emailing, and calling friends for extra support and rides to the local coffee shop. I've also been reading more and watching TV, although I have to be careful about what I watch. I have a Tivo so can record good movies along with downloading the same via Netflix. Also, I'd missed a few weeks of Masterpiece Theater but was able to watch those episodes on PBS.org.

And I can use this time to catch up on my writing and blogging. Still, I've been waking up somewhat down in the morning, which means I need more than coffee to get me going. It helps to review some of the tools that keep me from going from "down" to "depressed". The best one for me is to challenge my automatic thoughts, such as "I am going to end up crippled and in pain like 'so and so' and no one will ever come to visit me".

Clues to this thought not being accurate are the words "crippled" and "ever", both extreme and not true. I challenged this thought with "I am getting better every day" and "my grandchildren are coming to visit tomorrow"... There are many other tools which will have to wait for another day's blogging.

If you have a specific question for me about how you're feeling and what tools have worked for me to get past that, please comment and I'll answer in a blog. Thanks for reading!