Tools for Balance

We were on the road in our teeny RV for 9 days. Towards the end, we became a little less patient with each other. The weather had been perfect and then the wind began to howl. My spouse who is usually easy-going began to criticize me in a louder than normal voice.

The first day it happened, I reacted the way I frequently used to: my thinking immediately went to my need to divorce him because "he always treats me like this." I yelled back a bit and began to feel depressed. Fortunately, I decided to stop fighting and stuck my nose in a book so I could get to sleep. This worked temporarily, but in the morning I had to break the silence by apologizing (even though I didn't think I had instigated the problem). My spouse also apologized but this was only a temporary fix.

The second day it happened, I remembered that I did not need to go to all or nothing thinking (using words like always or never) and get depressed. I had recently been through an out-patient program at a local hospital which gave me specific tools for balancing my emotions as well as communicating better with others. Unfortunately, I didn't have my bag of tools with me so had to retrieve a couple tools from memory. This is hard to do when you're in the midst of reacting with your emotions.

But after yelling back a bit, I stopped and remembered that I could self-soothe, that I didn't need to feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day or the rest of the trip. I could get myself out of my anger by smelling my hand lotion, by massaging my tight muscles, by taking some really deep breathes. What I couldn't do was to force my spouse to stop being angry with me. I could also distract myself by looking at clouds and figuring out what animals they looked like, by turning on the radio to listen to the news (which gets me out of my small problems), by figuring out what I could fix for dinner out of the leftovers in the RV's fridge.

The tools of self-soothing and distraction worked much better than the silent treatment from the first day. I eventually stopped feeling as angry and thus didn't go to extreme thoughts about divorce, which is just an escape route, similar to thinking about suicide although not as dangerous. I was later able to own my part in the argument and apologize for it rather than apologize just to keep the peace. In this way, I took care of myself and felt good about my behavior rather than feeling shame and guilt.

On the other hand, my spouse did not apologize until we'd been home for a day. Even if he had never apologized, I could remain content and serene because I am powerless over his behavior. However, if his criticism of me were to continue, I have other new tools to use to communicate to him about that and any problem or conflict. Until then, I can enjoy being me, an emotionally-balanced human being.

In the Beginning...

According to Medical News Today, "Approximately 4.4% of Americans have had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder [or manic depression] at some time during their lives..." I am one of those Americans. I also have two close family members who were diagnosed and a sneaking suspicion that a few others have a bipolar disorder. So although I'm not an expert, I can certainly share my experience, strength, and hope about this particular mental illness. Especially the hope. Medical science has come a long way in developing medications as well as skill sets to help patients control their mood swings.

These are not the typical mood swings experienced by the average person. Life is full of "ups" and "downs." As the article cited above says, "An individual with [a bipolar disorder] has abnormal shifts in mood, energy, and their ability to function properly... These shifts can go on for weeks, sometimes even months... symptoms are severe and can destroy relationships, job prospects, and academic performance - put simply, they can ruin a person's life... some patients either attempt to or manage to commit suicide."

If you're thinking about suicide and can't get in to see a doctor right away, please go to your nearest emergency room or call 911.

However, bipolar disorder is very treatable. When I was diagnosed, I was relieved. Finally, an explanation for the erratic changes in my behavior. Finally, a doctor who recognized that my extreme PMS (premenstrual syndrome) was a symptom of my bipolar disorder rather than just crankiness and bloating. My personality literally changed from happy and content, often elated and energetic, to irritable with angry outbursts either preceded by or followed by depression. Not just "I'm sad today because..." but I don't want to live anymore, at least not like this.

Now that I'm well and balanced most of the time, thanks to good doctors and therapists, I am more willing to share with others about my battle with depression as well as rage. One response I often get is "What do you have to be depressed about?" My answer is that my depression is not usually about something, that it is about brain chemistry. True, my depression can be triggered by events, actually by my reaction and thoughts around those events, but the fact that it can get so low so quickly is what makes it about brain chemistry.

I just don't have what it takes, on my own, to "pull myself up by my bootstraps." Likewise, I don't have what it takes, on my own, to "settle down" when I swing the other way and get manic. My last manic episode found me wanting to jump on the bed when my husband was trying to sleep. I'm usually in bed before him and don't have trouble sleeping, except when I'm experiencing this high. It's fun for a short time, but usually just for me and not those around me. And even though I have all kinds of creative plans and energy to at least start projects, I either don't finish or I manage to redecorate my house in a weekend. Once, I decided to and sold my house in one day!

Usually, though, my mania showed up as anger which was much more destructive than just moving my family across town, although that had an effect on them. It was this symptom more than my depression for which I sought help. I didn't really think that my depression was a problem because that was my normal mode of operation. In other words, I didn't think that was abnormal. I simply would wait until I had more energy to get things done. I knew it would come. I could even predict it according to the seasons.

I can say now that my last adjustment in medications and group therapy has helped me so much that I didn't realize I had been in a low-grade depression for quite a while, probably ever since I suffered a slight brain injury in a scooter accident - I had broken a windshield on a car with my helmet. Since then, I had several episodes of clinical depression where I had thoughts of suicide (although no planning), physical anxiety (my skin crawls), and the need to sleep up to twelve hours at night.

Of course this has affected my life and those around me. My getting help has improved all of our lives. So with this blog, I am wanting to help others overcome the devastating effects of a bipolar disorder. If there are almost 5% of Americans suffering from this mental illness who have been diagnosed, there must be more who have not been diagnosed, who think that life is just too difficult at times to manage (when they are depressed), or that they can conquer the world (when they are manic). Sometimes, someone with a bipolar disorder will drink or drug to self-medicate, causing even further problems.

If you're like me or someone who abuses a substance, there is help. Go to the National Alliance on Mental Illness to find out if your symptoms are indicative of a bipolar disorder. Or go to your doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist. If your health insurance allows, you may be able to go to a psychiatrist without a referral, although they are usually busy enough not to be taking new patients. So the sooner you start the process of getting help, the sooner you will get the help you need. It's up to you.

However, if you're thinking about suicide and can't get in to see a doctor right away, please go to your nearest emergency room or call 911.

Medical professionals these days will take you as seriously as a patient with chest pains who may be having a heart attack. Twenty years ago when I tried to get help for my depression, I got patted on the head, literally, by the psychiatrist who said my problem was that I thought my family, who he knew, was screwed up and I needed to just grow up. At that time, I was in my thirties and had three children. I was very responsible. That's why I was trying to get help. Fortunately we moved and I was able to get help through doctors who took me seriously.

May you find the help you need. Don't get discouraged. You can get better. I know. If I can get help and recover enough to live a normal life, anyone can get the treatment they need.