Tools for Balance

We were on the road in our teeny RV for 9 days. Towards the end, we became a little less patient with each other. The weather had been perfect and then the wind began to howl. My spouse who is usually easy-going began to criticize me in a louder than normal voice.

The first day it happened, I reacted the way I frequently used to: my thinking immediately went to my need to divorce him because "he always treats me like this." I yelled back a bit and began to feel depressed. Fortunately, I decided to stop fighting and stuck my nose in a book so I could get to sleep. This worked temporarily, but in the morning I had to break the silence by apologizing (even though I didn't think I had instigated the problem). My spouse also apologized but this was only a temporary fix.

The second day it happened, I remembered that I did not need to go to all or nothing thinking (using words like always or never) and get depressed. I had recently been through an out-patient program at a local hospital which gave me specific tools for balancing my emotions as well as communicating better with others. Unfortunately, I didn't have my bag of tools with me so had to retrieve a couple tools from memory. This is hard to do when you're in the midst of reacting with your emotions.

But after yelling back a bit, I stopped and remembered that I could self-soothe, that I didn't need to feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day or the rest of the trip. I could get myself out of my anger by smelling my hand lotion, by massaging my tight muscles, by taking some really deep breathes. What I couldn't do was to force my spouse to stop being angry with me. I could also distract myself by looking at clouds and figuring out what animals they looked like, by turning on the radio to listen to the news (which gets me out of my small problems), by figuring out what I could fix for dinner out of the leftovers in the RV's fridge.

The tools of self-soothing and distraction worked much better than the silent treatment from the first day. I eventually stopped feeling as angry and thus didn't go to extreme thoughts about divorce, which is just an escape route, similar to thinking about suicide although not as dangerous. I was later able to own my part in the argument and apologize for it rather than apologize just to keep the peace. In this way, I took care of myself and felt good about my behavior rather than feeling shame and guilt.

On the other hand, my spouse did not apologize until we'd been home for a day. Even if he had never apologized, I could remain content and serene because I am powerless over his behavior. However, if his criticism of me were to continue, I have other new tools to use to communicate to him about that and any problem or conflict. Until then, I can enjoy being me, an emotionally-balanced human being.