WATCH THE SUGAR INTAKE!!

I've been extra hungry this holiday season so decided I could eat more sugar than usual. After all, it's winter and my body is telling me to put on an extra layer of fat, which I can lose easily next year. Really?! I haven't yet lost the extra five pounds from last winter. Plus, the more sugar I eat, the more sugar I want to eat. And then the worse I sleep, the worse I feel, and the more sugar I eat, especially in chocolate, to feel better. Really?! Who am I kidding besides myself?! So I'm starting tonight on protein and vegetables along with only natural sugar found in fruit. I knew I was done when I ordered a large caramel mocha with whipped cream and couldn't finish it. It was just too sweet and I was getting a headache, which would result in me crashing, which is okay for normal people but not someone who suffers from depression, especially in the winter. In fact, last December was when I had my last, serious, clinical depression that landed me in a hospital outpatient program. Do I really want to go there again?! NO!! So I'm glad I caught myself before I got worse. I know I can have a happier holiday if I stop the sugar intake now. It can't wait until the new year. Maybe you can tell that I'm a bit manic by my writing and you'd be right... that's why I'm sharing with you to lay off the sugar before you get too high because what goes up must come down. And the less high I get, the gentler the coming down will be. May you be able to be jolly without the sugar intake folly!!  

Sleep Hygiene

A basic tool to help keep me balanced is "sleep hygiene" which is simply going to bed the same time every night and getting up the same time every morning. When I found myself lying awake at night several nights this week, I realized that I hadn't been setting my alarm.

We had just been on a two-week vacation and so I was sleeping-in to catch up on my sleep. Trouble is I was sleeping too late so couldn't get to sleep at night. If I had let this get out of control, I'd be up watching TV until midnight or later and then unable to function well during the day.

Fortunately, I remembered this simple tool and got myself back on track. Now I'm waking up before my alarm and enjoying an extra 15 minutes in the morning. The bonus is the ability to fall asleep at night without having to use pills or worse, alcohol, thinking that will help me relax.

Fall is the perfect time of year to start practicing "sleep hygiene" since the nights are cooler and many of us are back from vacation and on a regular work schedule. The key is to set the alarm even if you've had a late night out. You may have one day of low energy, but you'll be able to get on schedule within one day.

Rest easy!

Self-Soothing

First of all, sorry to have not been blogging for a while. It's been a busy summer and life has been pretty good which means I have been fairly balanced. Secondly, the only time I had to reach into my mood disorder tool bag was for a short time in July when for some reason I was irritable. I couldn't figure it out, which means I couldn't "think" myself back to health. Instead, I had to self-soothe myself.

The best means to a serene end for me is to hold my hands in front of me and form fists. I hold the fists for a good 5 seconds, then let go, relaxing my hands and arms. I do this over and over again until my body has "forgotten" why it was agitated in the first place. It's like training my body to relax and my mind follows.

There are a lot of ways to self-soothe. Some people use a tactile method which is to feel whatever is at hand, such as the steering wheel, the fabric of an overstuffed chair or one's clothing, grass, flower petals, one's hair, your child's or grandchild's hair... in the feeling is the forgetting the anxiety. One can't be anxious if concentrating on using the sense of touch.

If neither of these methods works for you, Google self-soothe to understand it better and to find more methods until one works for you. Again, if you're suicidal, call your doctor or go to the nearest ER. 

Opposite Action

Opposite Action is a great tool to combat depression. A couple of days ago, I didn't feel like doing anything. Well, actually, I felt like feeling sorry for myself and was doing a good job at that.

Then I remembered that my goal was to prevent depression because this is easier than overcoming depression.

So I went to my list of tasks I wanted to get done. There was a fairly easy one I decided to tackle, although I had to overcome my tendency towards perfectionism before I even started.

There were only a few glitches, but in less than an hour, my task was complete. And guess what? I felt a lot better.

What Opposite Action did for me that day was to trick my brain into thinking I wasn't down or depressed and could get one thing done.

It was the turning point for me because today, two days later, I woke up feeling much better. Then I realized my mood had begun to shift when I applied the tool of Opposite Action.

When You're Not Physically Well

It's hard enough to stay balanced mentally and emotionally when you're bipolar, even with medication. For me, this takes good eating habits, sleep hygiene, and regular exercise, along with getting out of the house to do fun things with friends and family.

But when I get physically ill or injured, and I can't exercise or my sleep is disturbed, I have to work extra hard at "doing what I can". For example, I fell and injured both legs a few weeks ago so I have to stay off my feet as much as possible. Not only can I not go to the gym to walk the treadmill, I can't drive yet. So I have to ask for rides to the doctor and for anyplace else I want to go.

But I can lift hand weights to exercise my upper body. And I can eat smaller portions and keep it healthy in order not to gain weight, which has been a problem for me since I started taking meds the same time I went through menopause. I also used sleeping pills the first week after my accident in order to get my rest.

Other helpful behaviors include texting, emailing, and calling friends for extra support and rides to the local coffee shop. I've also been reading more and watching TV, although I have to be careful about what I watch. I have a Tivo so can record good movies along with downloading the same via Netflix. Also, I'd missed a few weeks of Masterpiece Theater but was able to watch those episodes on PBS.org.

And I can use this time to catch up on my writing and blogging. Still, I've been waking up somewhat down in the morning, which means I need more than coffee to get me going. It helps to review some of the tools that keep me from going from "down" to "depressed". The best one for me is to challenge my automatic thoughts, such as "I am going to end up crippled and in pain like 'so and so' and no one will ever come to visit me".

Clues to this thought not being accurate are the words "crippled" and "ever", both extreme and not true. I challenged this thought with "I am getting better every day" and "my grandchildren are coming to visit tomorrow"... There are many other tools which will have to wait for another day's blogging.

If you have a specific question for me about how you're feeling and what tools have worked for me to get past that, please comment and I'll answer in a blog. Thanks for reading!

Movie Star "Outs" Herself

Movie star Catherine-Zeta Jones "outed" herself as someone with Bipolar Type II, which happens to be the type I have. Maybe this will help in our struggle against stigma. Maybe, soon, I will stop blogging anonymously.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/BipolarDisorder/catherine-zeta-jones-sheds-light-bipolar-disorder/story?id=13373202

A Support System

I was reminded again this weekend just how important having a support system can be, but also how difficult one can be to obtain. Mental illness still has a stigma in our society. In general, people don't consider it a physical illness like epilepsy, diabetes, or even alcoholism. Instead, those of us who suffer from a mood disorder are called crazy, weak, or lazy. "Why can't you just get over it, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, or get a life?" we are asked.

Although many of my past friends did not know I was sick (even I didn't know until middle age), they dumped me because of my erratic behavior. Who could blame them? But friends who avoid me now when I confide in them about being bipolar, when I take that risk, aren't really worth having as friends. It would be like me dumping them for having cancer as if I could catch it, or just didn't want to drive them to their treatments or listen to their complaints.

Fortunately, I have found a few friends who either understand my disease or suffer from it themselves and so have become part of my support system. I am also part of their's like any good friend is. But this didn't happen overnight. I met these wonderful women through other outlets and, over a period of time, learned to trust them enough to tell them about my being bipolar. I learned to start with "I suffer from depression," which isn't as alarming as "I'm bipolar." Then after a while, I moved on to the next level of intimacy.

One would think that family members would be automatic members of our support system, but I didn't find this the case. The ultra religious members of my family have told me that mental illness is not "real," that I am instead possessed by a demon. I don't believe them because demons don't get ousted with medication, as far as I know. I also don't spend much time with them, very little, actually. Why would I? Now that would be crazy, if you ask me!

Even the non-religious family members, when I told them, joked about it with one another. I overheard my step-sisters express their gratitude that they didn't share my family genes. At least they understood it was an inherited disease rather than my being a bad person. Yet to laugh at me is not supportive so I have had to look elsewhere for "family." I don't feel guilty about meeting my needs elsewhere. In this way, I am the first and foremost member of my support system.

Other members of my support system besides healthy family members and loving friends? My therapist and doctor, of course. I am so grateful that I live in a time when medicine and psychiatry have joined forces to label mental illness as a treatable disease, and as much as we vilify pharmaceutical companies, their research is providing us with better and better medications with each year.

So even though there are days that I feel alone, it is only a feeling. I only need reach out to find someone who is on my side. You, too, don't have to isolate from the world. If you're having trouble finding a support system, Google "bipolar" and you'll find a number of organizations of which a few have online support or local meetings. Talk to your doctor or therapist.

If you don't have a therapist yet and work for a corporation, chances are you have an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) that will help you find one. If you're unemployed, there are sliding scale services through your local government or charitable organizations. The point is to take steps to develop a support system. I know it's hard. I know it feels lonely. But you are your own best advocate.

Tools for Balance

We were on the road in our teeny RV for 9 days. Towards the end, we became a little less patient with each other. The weather had been perfect and then the wind began to howl. My spouse who is usually easy-going began to criticize me in a louder than normal voice.

The first day it happened, I reacted the way I frequently used to: my thinking immediately went to my need to divorce him because "he always treats me like this." I yelled back a bit and began to feel depressed. Fortunately, I decided to stop fighting and stuck my nose in a book so I could get to sleep. This worked temporarily, but in the morning I had to break the silence by apologizing (even though I didn't think I had instigated the problem). My spouse also apologized but this was only a temporary fix.

The second day it happened, I remembered that I did not need to go to all or nothing thinking (using words like always or never) and get depressed. I had recently been through an out-patient program at a local hospital which gave me specific tools for balancing my emotions as well as communicating better with others. Unfortunately, I didn't have my bag of tools with me so had to retrieve a couple tools from memory. This is hard to do when you're in the midst of reacting with your emotions.

But after yelling back a bit, I stopped and remembered that I could self-soothe, that I didn't need to feel uncomfortable for the rest of the day or the rest of the trip. I could get myself out of my anger by smelling my hand lotion, by massaging my tight muscles, by taking some really deep breathes. What I couldn't do was to force my spouse to stop being angry with me. I could also distract myself by looking at clouds and figuring out what animals they looked like, by turning on the radio to listen to the news (which gets me out of my small problems), by figuring out what I could fix for dinner out of the leftovers in the RV's fridge.

The tools of self-soothing and distraction worked much better than the silent treatment from the first day. I eventually stopped feeling as angry and thus didn't go to extreme thoughts about divorce, which is just an escape route, similar to thinking about suicide although not as dangerous. I was later able to own my part in the argument and apologize for it rather than apologize just to keep the peace. In this way, I took care of myself and felt good about my behavior rather than feeling shame and guilt.

On the other hand, my spouse did not apologize until we'd been home for a day. Even if he had never apologized, I could remain content and serene because I am powerless over his behavior. However, if his criticism of me were to continue, I have other new tools to use to communicate to him about that and any problem or conflict. Until then, I can enjoy being me, an emotionally-balanced human being.

In the Beginning...

According to Medical News Today, "Approximately 4.4% of Americans have had a diagnosis of bipolar disorder [or manic depression] at some time during their lives..." I am one of those Americans. I also have two close family members who were diagnosed and a sneaking suspicion that a few others have a bipolar disorder. So although I'm not an expert, I can certainly share my experience, strength, and hope about this particular mental illness. Especially the hope. Medical science has come a long way in developing medications as well as skill sets to help patients control their mood swings.

These are not the typical mood swings experienced by the average person. Life is full of "ups" and "downs." As the article cited above says, "An individual with [a bipolar disorder] has abnormal shifts in mood, energy, and their ability to function properly... These shifts can go on for weeks, sometimes even months... symptoms are severe and can destroy relationships, job prospects, and academic performance - put simply, they can ruin a person's life... some patients either attempt to or manage to commit suicide."

If you're thinking about suicide and can't get in to see a doctor right away, please go to your nearest emergency room or call 911.

However, bipolar disorder is very treatable. When I was diagnosed, I was relieved. Finally, an explanation for the erratic changes in my behavior. Finally, a doctor who recognized that my extreme PMS (premenstrual syndrome) was a symptom of my bipolar disorder rather than just crankiness and bloating. My personality literally changed from happy and content, often elated and energetic, to irritable with angry outbursts either preceded by or followed by depression. Not just "I'm sad today because..." but I don't want to live anymore, at least not like this.

Now that I'm well and balanced most of the time, thanks to good doctors and therapists, I am more willing to share with others about my battle with depression as well as rage. One response I often get is "What do you have to be depressed about?" My answer is that my depression is not usually about something, that it is about brain chemistry. True, my depression can be triggered by events, actually by my reaction and thoughts around those events, but the fact that it can get so low so quickly is what makes it about brain chemistry.

I just don't have what it takes, on my own, to "pull myself up by my bootstraps." Likewise, I don't have what it takes, on my own, to "settle down" when I swing the other way and get manic. My last manic episode found me wanting to jump on the bed when my husband was trying to sleep. I'm usually in bed before him and don't have trouble sleeping, except when I'm experiencing this high. It's fun for a short time, but usually just for me and not those around me. And even though I have all kinds of creative plans and energy to at least start projects, I either don't finish or I manage to redecorate my house in a weekend. Once, I decided to and sold my house in one day!

Usually, though, my mania showed up as anger which was much more destructive than just moving my family across town, although that had an effect on them. It was this symptom more than my depression for which I sought help. I didn't really think that my depression was a problem because that was my normal mode of operation. In other words, I didn't think that was abnormal. I simply would wait until I had more energy to get things done. I knew it would come. I could even predict it according to the seasons.

I can say now that my last adjustment in medications and group therapy has helped me so much that I didn't realize I had been in a low-grade depression for quite a while, probably ever since I suffered a slight brain injury in a scooter accident - I had broken a windshield on a car with my helmet. Since then, I had several episodes of clinical depression where I had thoughts of suicide (although no planning), physical anxiety (my skin crawls), and the need to sleep up to twelve hours at night.

Of course this has affected my life and those around me. My getting help has improved all of our lives. So with this blog, I am wanting to help others overcome the devastating effects of a bipolar disorder. If there are almost 5% of Americans suffering from this mental illness who have been diagnosed, there must be more who have not been diagnosed, who think that life is just too difficult at times to manage (when they are depressed), or that they can conquer the world (when they are manic). Sometimes, someone with a bipolar disorder will drink or drug to self-medicate, causing even further problems.

If you're like me or someone who abuses a substance, there is help. Go to the National Alliance on Mental Illness to find out if your symptoms are indicative of a bipolar disorder. Or go to your doctor who can refer you to a psychiatrist. If your health insurance allows, you may be able to go to a psychiatrist without a referral, although they are usually busy enough not to be taking new patients. So the sooner you start the process of getting help, the sooner you will get the help you need. It's up to you.

However, if you're thinking about suicide and can't get in to see a doctor right away, please go to your nearest emergency room or call 911.

Medical professionals these days will take you as seriously as a patient with chest pains who may be having a heart attack. Twenty years ago when I tried to get help for my depression, I got patted on the head, literally, by the psychiatrist who said my problem was that I thought my family, who he knew, was screwed up and I needed to just grow up. At that time, I was in my thirties and had three children. I was very responsible. That's why I was trying to get help. Fortunately we moved and I was able to get help through doctors who took me seriously.

May you find the help you need. Don't get discouraged. You can get better. I know. If I can get help and recover enough to live a normal life, anyone can get the treatment they need.